Surprise, surprise. I have a habit of picking things up, spending lots of time on them for a month or two, and then dropping them again for twice as long. This is clearly a 100% unique problem exclusive to me, and indicative of the rot at the core of my being, etc, etc

I joke and try to be as self-aware as I can about the silly ways my brain bullies itself, thinking it helps, but it turns out it doesn’t really work that way! Thanks, therapy. Intellectualizing your “bad thoughts” only makes it seem like you’ve got everything under control, that you can simply assert dominance over your feelings with facts and logic, like lecturing a whiny child. At the end of the day, though, you’re gonna feel those feelings, or they’re gonna hide themselves in your body somewhere.

So I’ll be honest: I hate that I can be so all over the place with my projects. It makes me feel like I do nothing of worth, and put nothing into the world worth engaging with except sterile, overly-flowery, verbose pieces held together by a fragile ego. It frustrates me that, even now, I’m going back to edit myself and get rid of all the things I think make me sound unappealing. Even in an environment that’s for nobody else but me. I’m my own worst enemy, or whatever Lit said.

At the same time, I am aware that, logically, a lot of that isn’t 100% true— it’s just that reassuring myself of that can come off sorta like a live, laugh, love yourself mom. Either it’s insincere to hear or insincere to say. And on the cycle goes. There isn’t really an answer to the problem aside from both sides eventually being able to believe themselves and each other, and that takes time.

So yeah, it’s been awhile. Has me thinking about another topic I’ve been pondering lately: people in my past that I haven’t talked to in a long time, and may never talk to again. Mostly exes. I’ve been fortunate to not have exes that were abjectly terrible, moreso relationships that broke off due to unfortunate circumstance, or because I wasn’t emotionally mature enough to understand what precisely I was doing wrong, or because I simply wasn’t secure enough in who I was. I’ve changed a lot, and I very often wonder what those people would think of me now— even if it isn’t for the purpose of permanent reconnection or rekindling of our romantic relationship.

Not only that, but it’s weird how often these people I’d likely never see again appear in my dreams. How often I wonder how they’re doing, but never reaching out to actually confirm that. I could do it at any time! Yet I don’t, for some reasons better or worse than others. There’s a lot of guilt that comes with that; never taking the steps to reconcile, never letting them know that you have a better understanding now, never feeling like it’d be appropriate to say sorry, worrying that those actions would have implications to them or others who are currently in my life. In many ways, it’s similar to that guilt of the unfinished project. A friend you left on read, and once you realized what you did it’s been so long that it’d be weird to say something about it now— leaving it to only get weirder and weirder until perhaps one day they say something, and they wonder why you didn’t for so long.

That moment is always so painful. It’s the pain of lost time, shit you can never get back or undo. I suppose we all know it to some degree, and while it’s a necessary thing to feel, a necessary lesson to learn, many times it keeps us paralyzed; breeding only further inaction. You know what, though? Sometimes… that inaction is okay. Sometimes you just need to accept that it happens, and it isn’t relevant to now, or what could happen in the future. What’s done is done, whatever happened, happened, and you can’t let it keep getting in the way. Even if, inevitably, you probably will. Every step needs to have that choice, or it isn’t real autonomy.

I don’t really know where I’m going with this, and I don’t think I need to know. It’s been awhile, hasn’t it? But here I am again. I'm gonna keep trying to post less-thought-out stuff like this from here on out, instead of procrastinating on huge thinkpieces that I end up dropping out of intimidation and burnout. I may also integrate some silly little features here and there for my own enjoyment. I don't like being so self-serious all the time!